Infidelity is a seismic event in any romantic partnership, shaking the foundations of trust and often leaving a trail of profound pain.

Cheating is a complex issue, far more nuanced than a simple act of betrayal.

At the Maine Relationship Institute in Belfast, Maine, where we offer couples therapy and individual counseling, we believe that understanding the "why" behind cheating is a crucial step towards:

healing
personal growth
And potentially, rebuilding.

This exploration isn't about excusing behavior, but rather illuminating the intricate psychological landscape that can lead individuals down this path.

Defining Cheating: Beyond the Physical

When we speak of cheating, many immediately conjure images of physical intimacy outside the primary relationship. And while sexual infidelity undeniably constitutes a breach of romantic trust, the definition has expanded considerably in our increasingly digital world.

Romantic cheating is any act that violates the agreed-upon boundaries and expectations of exclusivity within a committed romantic partnership. These boundaries, while sometimes unspoken, are fundamental to the relationship's integrity.

This broad definition includes:

Physical Infidelity: Sexual acts or intimate physical contact with someone other than one's partner. This is often the most readily recognized form of cheating and can lead to immense feelings of betrayal and anger.
Emotional Cheating (Online and Offline): This form of infidelity involves developing a deep emotional bond and intimacy with someone outside the primary relationship, often characterized by secrecy and a redirection of emotional energy that should be reserved for the partner. In the digital age, emotional cheating has found new avenues:

Sharing intimate details: Confiding personal struggles, vulnerabilities, or relationship complaints with someone online that you wouldn't share with your partner.
Prioritizing online connections: Spending excessive time communicating with an online "friend," feeling more understood or validated by them than by your partner.
Hiding communications: Deleting messages, clearing browser history, or being secretive about online interactions.
Fantasizing and comparing: Mentally or emotionally engaging with someone online in a romantic or sexual way, and perhaps even comparing them to your partner.

As relationship therapist Esther Perel, author of "Mating in Captivity" (she also has a TED Talk on this topic), often emphasizes, emotional affairs can be just as, if not more, devastating than physical ones because they erode the very fabric of intimacy and emotional security within the primary relationship.

The secrecy and emotional redirection are key indicators that a line has been crossed, even if no physical contact has occurred.

The Inner Workings: A Psychoanalysis of Infidelity

Beneath the surface of a seemingly clear-cut act, a multitude of psychological factors can contribute to infidelity. It’s rarely a simple decision, but rather a complex interplay of individual vulnerabilities, relational dynamics, and sometimes, even societal influences.

Self Worth

One significant factor can be self-worth. Individuals struggling with low self-esteem may seek external validation through affairs. The attention, admiration, or feeling of being desired by someone new can offer a temporary boost, a fleeting sense of being "enough" or attractive.

As noted by Dr. Robert Weiss, a senior fellow for the Meadows Behavioral Healthcare, individuals with low self-worth may cheat as a means to feel more desirable. This isn't about wanting to hurt their partner, but about an internal void they are desperately trying to fill.

Lust

Lust can also play a powerful role. While often conflated with love, lust is primarily driven by physical attraction and desire for novelty or sexual gratification. In some cases, infidelity may stem from a strong, unmet sexual need or a desire for variety that the primary relationship isn't providing.

It's crucial to distinguish between fleeting lust and a deeper connection; true love, as explored by countless psychologists and philosophers, involves a profound psychological attachment and concern for the other person's welfare, while lust is more about self-gratification.

Monogamy…or Not

For some, the issue lies in a fundamental lack of interest in monogamy. While most romantic partnerships are implicitly or explicitly monogamous, some individuals may inherently struggle with this type of relationship structure. They may feel confined or limited by the idea of being with only one person for the rest of their lives.

If these feelings aren't openly communicated and negotiated within the relationship, they can manifest as infidelity. This isn't necessarily a sign of a bad person, but rather a mismatch in relationship paradigms that needs to be addressed honestly.

Trust issues

Trust issues are another potent catalyst. Past betrayals, whether from previous relationships or childhood experiences, can create a deep-seated fear of vulnerability, making it difficult to invest in another person fully.

Someone with unresolved trust issues might subconsciously sabotage a healthy relationship or seek external connections as a form of self-protection, believing that if they don't fully commit, they can avoid being fully hurt.

The impact of parental infidelity, for instance, can profoundly shape an individual's capacity for trust and intimacy in adulthood, potentially leading to fear of abandonment or difficulty forming secure attachments. As noted by Counselling Directory, parental infidelity can sow seeds of doubt that blossom into deep-rooted trust issues.

Parental Upbringing

Furthermore, parental upbringing can have a lasting impact. If a parent were a cheater, a child might internalize this behavior as a normalized, albeit painful, aspect of relationships. This doesn't mean they are doomed to repeat the pattern, but it can create unconscious scripts and attachment patterns that make them more susceptible to infidelity themselves, or conversely, make them deeply afraid of being cheated on.

Healing from these intergenerational patterns requires significant self-awareness and intentional effort.

Problems Within The Relationship

Finally, and perhaps most commonly, core problems within the relationship itself often serve as fertile ground for infidelity.

These can include:

Lack of emotional connection: Feeling unheard, unseen, or unappreciated by a partner.
Poor communication: Inability to express needs, desires, or grievances effectively.
Unmet needs: Sexual, emotional, or intellectual needs that are not being fulfilled within the primary relationship.
Resentment and anger: Unresolved conflicts that fester and create distance.
Boredom or complacency: The natural ebb and flow of long-term relationships can lead to a desire for excitement or novelty.

These issues don't excuse cheating, but they often provide the context in which it occurs. Infidelity, in many of these cases, becomes a symptom of deeper relational distress, a desperate attempt to find something missing or to escape something painful.

The Path Forward: Growth and Healing

At the Maine Relationship Institute, led by founder Ben Borkan, LCSW, we understand that confronting infidelity, whether as the unfaithful partner or the betrayed, demands courage and a commitment to personal growth.

Our approach, rooted in modalities like Crucible Therapy® and Gestalt Therapy, focuses on empowering individuals and couples to understand these complex dynamics and rewire obstacles to authenticity and intimacy.

The journey to healing and growth often involves:

Radical Self-Reflection: Honestly examining personal insecurities, past traumas, and attachment patterns. This might involve exploring questions like: What needs was I trying to meet outside the relationship? What fears or unaddressed issues within myself contributed to this?
Open and Honest Communication: Creating a safe space to discuss the underlying issues, fears, and unmet needs that may have contributed to the infidelity. This is not about blame, but about understanding and expressing feelings.
Rebuilding Trust (if desired): A long and arduous process that requires consistent transparency, accountability from the unfaithful partner, and a willingness to extend grace from the betrayed partner. This often necessitates professional guidance.
Redefining Boundaries: Clearly establishing new, explicit boundaries for the relationship, including what constitutes fidelity in both physical and emotional terms.
Seeking Professional Guidance: Therapy provides a neutral and supportive environment to navigate the raw emotions, unearth hidden dynamics, and develop healthier communication and coping mechanisms. Ben Borkan and our team are passionate about helping couples in Belfast, Maine, and beyond move towards deeper, more satisfying connections.

Infidelity is a challenging experience, but it can also be a profound catalyst for change.

By delving into the complex psychological reasons behind "why we cheat," we can begin to untangle the knots of pain and misunderstanding, paving the way for greater self-awareness, stronger relationships, and a renewed commitment to authentic connection.

Contact Us for Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are grappling with the aftermath of infidelity or seeking to understand and address underlying issues to prevent it, the Maine Relationship Institute is here to support you. You can contact us online or schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation.

We also invite you to explore our resources and consider how a guided journey of self-discovery and relational healing can transform your partnership.

Understanding Infidelity: A Deep Dive into "Why We Cheat"