The Only Thing You Can Control Is You: How Changing Your Role Can Transform a Relationship
And while you cannot force someone else to change, you can change the dance.
When you do, the relationship must respond—sometimes subtly, sometimes profoundly.
In a small coastal town like Lincolnville, Maine, relationships are often deeply intertwined with daily life—shared communities, shared histories, and shared rhythms. When a relationship feels stuck or painful, it’s natural to look outward and hope that someone else will change.
Many people come to couples counseling, marriage counseling, or individual therapy asking a version of the same question:
“How do I get my partner to see things differently?”
The difficult, and ultimately empowering, truth is this:
The only thing any of us truly has control over is ourselves.
While this idea can initially feel discouraging, it is also where real change begins. When one person shifts their role in a relational dynamic, the entire system is affected—for better or worse.
At The Maine Relationship Institute, founder and lead therapist Ben Borkan works with individuals and couples throughout the Lincolnville area who want more than surface-level fixes.
MRI wants to help you understand why patterns repeat, how dynamics are co-created, and what it actually takes to change them.
Why You Can’t Change Your Partner (and Why That’s Not the Point)
Decades of psychological research show that sustainable change cannot be forced from the outside. According to the American Psychological Association, lasting behavioral change happens when individuals develop internal motivation, insight, and self-regulation—not when they are pressured or criticized.
When we focus exclusively on changing our partner, we often unknowingly reinforce the very behaviors we dislike.
Criticism leads to defensiveness.
Pursuit leads to withdrawal.
Silence leads to distance.
These are not personal failures—they are predictable relational patterns.
The key insight is this: relationships function as systems. When one part of the system changes, the system must reorganize itself in response.
Your Role in the Dynamic Matters More Than You Think
Every relationship has a rhythm:
One person pursues; the other retreats.
One manages emotions; the other avoids them.
One takes responsibility; the other resists it.
Over time, these roles can feel fixed, even inevitable.
But they aren’t.
When you shift how you show up, how you communicate, regulate emotion, set boundaries, or respond under stress, you interrupt the pattern. That interruption creates choice.
Relationship experts often emphasize that awareness of one’s own relational patterns is a foundational step toward change. When individuals stop asking, “Why won’t they change?” and start asking, “What am I reinforcing?” the dynamic begins to loosen.
Change Can Improve—or Destabilize—a Relationship
It’s important to be honest: changing yourself does not guarantee a relationship will improve.
Sometimes, growth exposes incompatibilities that were previously hidden. Sometimes, healthier boundaries feel threatening to a partner who benefited from the old dynamic.
And sometimes—often, in fact—change creates relief.
When one person becomes calmer instead of reactive, clearer instead of resentful, and more grounded instead of avoidant, the emotional environment shifts.
Conversations slow down.
Defensiveness softens.
Trust has room to rebuild.
This is why individual therapy can be just as powerful as couples counseling. Even when only one person engages in the work, the relationship is affected.
Practical Tools to Begin Shifting Your Role
For thoughtful, self-aware individuals seeking constructive tools about attachment theory, here are a few evidence-informed starting points often explored in therapy:
Track Your Triggers
Notice when you feel flooded, defensive, or withdrawn. What happens right before? What meaning are you making?Change the Timing, Not Just the Words
Difficult conversations go poorly when emotions are high. Learning when to speak is as important as what you say.Practice Response Instead of Reaction
Pausing—even briefly—before responding can dramatically change an interaction.Set Boundaries Without Ultimatums
Boundaries clarify what you will do, not what your partner must do.
Attachment-based research, including work summarized by The Attachment Project, shows that small shifts in emotional responsiveness and self-regulation can significantly improve relational security over time.
Hope Lives in Responsibility, Not Control
The idea that “the only thing you can control is you” is not about self-blame. It is about agency. When you stop trying to manage your partner’s behavior and start understanding your own, you reclaim power.
At The Maine Relationship Institute, clients from Lincolnville and surrounding Midcoast communities often discover that meaningful change doesn’t start with fixing the relationship—it starts with understanding themselves within it.
Whether through individual therapy, marriage counseling, or couples counseling, the work is the same at its core.
Learning how your:
Presence
Patterns
And participation shapes the connection you’re in.
And while you cannot force someone else to change, you can change the dance.
When you do, the relationship must respond—sometimes subtly, sometimes profoundly.
Contact Us
If you’re curious about how this work could apply to your own relationship, working with an experienced therapist like Ben Borkan can provide the structure, insight, and support needed to move from frustration to clarity—and from stuck patterns to intentional connection.
We offer complimentary, 15-minute, confidential consultations. If you have a general question or would like to set up an appointment, contact us.
