How to Navigate and Build a Strong and Lasting Relationship or Marriage: A Guide for Long-Term Couples
“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” —Hafiz
Successful, long-term relationships and marriages can feed and nourish your soul. Successful, long-term relationships and marriages can also feel isolating, alienating, and painful. The wins and challenges test and fortify the strength of your bond.
As you seek solutions and understanding while navigating this dynamic waltz, you may find the range of tools, exercises, mindfulness approaches, and strategies to be far-reaching and vast.
Here, we aim to answer the whys behind the common conflicts and the hows within preliminary solutions. Nothing here will solve your relationship conflict without the active, kind, and loving participation of you and your partner.
Common Relationship Conflicts
1. Communication Breakdown: Effective communication is crucial for any growing and healthy relationship. Misunderstandings, differing communication styles, and unresolved arguments often create tension and distance.
Why it happens: Communication breakdowns often stem from differing communication styles (one person might be direct, the other indirect), unresolved past hurts that make open communication complex, unmet needs leading to resentment, and assumptions about the other person's thoughts or feelings instead of clear communication. Individual and shared stress can also significantly hinder effective and loving communication.
2. Financial Stress: Money matters are not for the faint of heart. Money can be a significant source of conflict, particularly when couples have different spending habits, financial goals, or income levels.
Why it happens: Money is deeply tied to personal values and upbringing. Couples may have different approaches to spending and saving due to contrasting family backgrounds, individual experiences with money (scarcity vs. abundance), and differing priorities for the future. Unclear financial goals, hidden debt, or power imbalances related to income can also contribute to financial stress.
3. Intimacy and Sex: Changes in libido, differing desires, or emotional disconnection can impact the physical and emotional intimacy within a relationship.
Why it happens: Changes in libido are natural over time due to aging, hormonal shifts, stress, and life transitions (like having children or experiencing a loss). Differing desires can arise from these biological factors but also from differing expectations around sex, unresolved emotional issues, or a lack of communication about needs and preferences.
4. Household Chores and Responsibilities: Unfair labor division and differing household task expectations can lead to resentment and conflict.
Why it happens: Unbalanced division of labor often reflects ingrained gender roles and societal expectations. As a couple, you may have different ideas about what constitutes "fair" based on your upbringing and personal beliefs. Resentment builds when one partner feels their contributions are undervalued or that they are carrying an unfair burden.
5. Parenting Styles: Disagreements about raising children, discipline, or education can strain the relationship and create anxiety for everyone.
Why it happens: Parenting styles are influenced by a complex interplay of factors, including individual experiences growing up, cultural norms, and personal values. Disagreements arise when partners have different ideas about discipline, education, or the level of involvement in their children's lives. Anxiety and stress around parenting can exacerbate these conflicts.
6. Work-Life Balance: Balancing career aspirations, personal time, and relationship needs can be challenging and lead to feelings of neglect or resentment.
Why it happens: In today's demanding work culture, achieving work-life balance is a constant struggle. One partner may prioritize career advancement, leading to long hours and less time for the relationship, while the other prioritizes relaxing at home. Differing expectations about the division of labor at home, especially when both partners work, can also contribute to this conflict.
7. External Stressors: Life events such as illness, job loss, or family crises can strain a relationship and test its resilience.
Why it happens: Life can be unpredictable. Illness, job loss, family crises, and other external stressors can deplete emotional resources and create tension. As a couple, you may have different coping mechanisms and levels of resilience, leading to further strain on the relationship during already difficult times.
8. Unresolved Past Issues: Lingering resentments or unresolved conflicts from the past can continue to affect the present dynamics of the relationship.
Why it happens: Past hurts, betrayals, or unresolved conflicts can cast long shadows. If these issues are not addressed and processed, they can resurface in the present, triggering old patterns of behavior and hindering emotional intimacy.
9. Individual Growth and Change: As individuals grow and change, your needs and desires may evolve, leading to differences within the relationship.
Why it happens: Personal growth is essential, but it can create challenges in long-term relationships. As individuals evolve, your interests, values, and goals may shift. If as a couple, you don’t actively nurture your connection and communicate openly about these changes, you may grow apart.
Addressing Relationship Challenges
How:
Use "I" statements: Instead of blaming ("You always..."), express your feelings with "I" statements ("I feel hurt when...").
Schedule regular check-ins: Dedicate time each week to discuss your needs, concerns, and appreciation in a calm and focused manner.
Practice reflective listening: When your partner speaks, paraphrase what you hear to ensure you understand ("So, it sounds like you're feeling...").
Take breaks when needed: If a conversation becomes heated, agree to take a break and return to it later when you're both calmer.
Seek Professional Help:
How:
Research therapists in your area: Look for therapists specializing in couples therapy and read reviews or ask for recommendations.
Contact MRI: Reach out to the Maine Relationship Institute to learn more about their services and schedule a consultation.
Be open to the process: Commit to attending sessions regularly and actively participating in the therapeutic process.
Set Healthy Boundaries:
How:
Communicate your needs clearly: Express your needs for personal space, time alone, and individual activities.
Respect your partner's boundaries: Recognize and respect their need for individuality and autonomy.
Negotiate compromises: Find ways to balance individual needs with the needs of the relationship.
How:
Put away distractions: Turn off your phone, close your laptop, and make eye contact.
Focus on understanding: Listen to understand your partner's perspective, not just to formulate your response.
Ask clarifying questions: Show genuine interest by asking questions to deepen your understanding.
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their emotions, even if you don't agree with their perspective ("I can see why you're feeling...").
Focus on Shared Goals:
How:
Discuss your dreams and aspirations: Share your individual goals and explore how you can support each other.
Create a shared vision board: Visualize your goals together and create a tangible reminder of what you're working towards.
Celebrate milestones together: Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, both big and small.
Prioritize Intimacy:
How:
Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other, even amidst busy schedules.
Express affection regularly: Show love through physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, or quality time.
Be open and honest about your needs: Communicate your desires and preferences openly and respectfully.
Manage Stress Together:
How:
Develop a shared stress-management plan: Explore relaxation techniques, exercise routines, or mindfulness practices that you can do together.
Support each other during stressful times: Offer empathy, encouragement, and practical assistance.
Prioritize self-care: Encourage each other to take time for themselves to recharge and de-stress.
Forgive:
How:
Acknowledge the hurt: Allow yourself to feel the pain and acknowledge the impact of the past.
Communicate your feelings: Express your hurt and disappointment to your partner in a constructive way.
Choose to forgive: Make a conscious decision to let go of resentment and move forward.
Focus on rebuilding trust: Take steps to rebuild trust through consistent actions and open communication.
Seek Growth and Development:
How:
Encourage each other's passions: Support your partner's pursuit of hobbies, interests, and personal goals.
Try new things together: Step outside your comfort zone and explore new experiences together.
Continue learning and growing: Engage in personal development activities, such as reading, taking courses, or attending workshops.
Providing more concrete examples and actionable steps can empower couples to take proactive steps toward resolving conflict and building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
The Role of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy can be valuable for addressing relationship challenges and fostering growth. A skilled therapist can provide couples with a safe and confidential space to explore their issues, gain insight into their communication patterns, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
At the Maine Relationship Institute (MRI), we focus on The Crucible Therapy, which emphasizes personal growth, and Gestalt Therapy, which focuses on the here and now. We believe these two specialized approaches help couples navigate various challenges, including those mentioned above. Founder Ben Borkan is trained in these evidence-based approaches, which have proven effective in improving communication, resolving conflict, and strengthening relationships.
Contact Us Today
If you're facing challenges in your relationship, we encourage you to contact us at the Maine Relationship Institute for a free 15-minute consultation. We can provide you with the support and guidance you need to overcome these challenges and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
See our Disclaimer here.
