The Unspoken Power: How Changing Yourself Changes Your Relationship

In relationships, whether romantic partnerships or close friendships, many of us pour energy into wanting the other person in the relationship to change. Yet, research and therapy experience consistently affirm an often-overlooked truth: you can only change yourself.

You might yearn for your partner to be:

• more communicative,

• more proactive,

• more affectionate,

• less uptight.

You desire change.

And often, your hope is that someone else in the relationship will shift their behavior. Not you.

This perspective, while understandable, can leave you feeling stuck and powerless. 

At The Maine Relationship Institute in Belfast, Maine, we share a profound and often surprising truth: the only person you can truly change in a relationship is yourself. And in doing so, you hold the key to transforming the entire dynamic.

Changing yourself isn't about giving up on your needs, eliminating boundaries, or accepting a difficult situation. It’s about a radical shift in perspective—from a focus on external control to an exploration of internal agency. 

"The moment you change your perception, is the moment you rewrite the chemistry of your body"

- Dr. Bruce H. Lipton, American cell biologist and author of the book The Biology of Belief.

By recognizing that you are an active, vital participant in every interaction, choice, reaction, and behavior, you can manifest a powerful tool in your relationship's ecosystem. When you change your role in a relationship dynamic, the entire system is forced to adapt. This can, and often does, lead to a positive transformation.

What Do Experts Say About Change in a Relationship?

1) Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Emotionally Focused Therapy can help couples understand and reshape emotional “dances” or patterns. A therapist can guide couples toward self-change and the healing of core pain, not just changing interactions. 

EFT was originally theorized and tested in the 1980s by Lee Greenberg and Sue Johnson. Goldman explained EFT as a tool for working on identity and self-soothing, which can foster deeper, lasting relational change, even beyond surface-level communication shifts.

2) The Michelangelo Phenomenon

The Michelangelo phenomenon was coined, generally by psychologists, as a situation where close partners help mold each other toward their “ideal selves.” 

Each partner’s supportive behaviors and affirmations can promote self-development and relational health, whereby relationships bring out the best versions of ourselves, and as a result, those relationships tend to be stronger and more fulfilling 

3) Self-Expansion Model

Arthur and Elaine Aron, a husband and wife psychology team, proposed the self-expansion model, showing that romantic satisfaction and resistance to problems like infidelity grow when couples engage in experiences that foster:

• novelty,

• learning,

• and mutual growth. 

The Aron’s theorized that when partners broaden each other's sense of self, the bond deepens. 

Another way of looking at this: when we seek out and create experiences for ourselves that promote change and growth for ourselves, and your partner participates, you and your partner may grow and change together. 

Why Self-Change Matters

• Disrupt Unhelpful Patterns

When we choose to pause reactive behaviors, such as defensiveness or stonewalling, and instead respond with calm clarity, the pattern can shift. You can become the agent of change, and your partner may follow.

• Create Emotional Safety

Grounding your own vulnerability by naming your feelings (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”) invites your partner to meet you empathically, hear your experience, and have a chance to respond, which can foster a connection that did not exist before.

• Model Healthier Communication

• Mindfully choose soft introductions to a topic,

• own your piece of conflict,

• listen without defending 

These approaches can transform arguments into opportunities for shared growth.

• Support Each Other’s Expansion

While you pursue your interests, you may find yourself seeking the support of your partner. In turn, encouraging your partner’s interests can help mirror the support you are looking to receive.

 You may also invite your partner to share in your new experience without getting attached to the outcome. You may end up growing together, reinforcing your closeness, and expanding your shared world.

Tools to Shift Your Role and Transform Your Relationship

Below are specific, productive strategies grounded in therapy practices and relationship science.

Use Self-Reflection & Emotional Regulation

• Pause before reacting: 

• Take a mental step back when triggered. Notice physiological cues (accelerated heartbeat, tension) and ask: “What feeling is beneath this?”

• Name and own your emotion: 

• “I feel dismissed when my ideas aren’t acknowledged.” This diffuses reactive cycles and invites empathy.

Try Mindful Communication

• Softened startup: Begin conversations with non-blaming statements like, 

• “I’d love to share something—can we talk?”

• Allow influence: Instead of resisting ideas out of principle, consider:

•  “That’s interesting—tell me more.”

Initiate Novel and Shared Experiences

• Try something new weekly—even something simple, like stargazing or taking a cooking class together. This taps into self-expansion, rekindles excitement, and strengthens connection. What would it look like if you read a book together?

Explore Intentional Identity Work

• Reflect. What does my ideal self look like in this relationship as:

• More patient? 

• More open? 

• More playful?

• Actively affirm both your own growth and your partner’s efforts toward their best selves, which can align with the Michelangelo phenomenon.

Seek Understanding Before Changing the Dynamic

• Ask: “When I do X, what do you feel?” and genuinely listen. This fosters insight into how your behavior affects your partner and opens a path to change.

Hopeful Takeaways

• You are the capacity for your own change. You don’t need to wait for your partner to change. When you shift your own way of being, you may very well catalyze a stronger, healthier dynamic.

• Small shifts can make a big impact. A moment of pausing, vulnerability, or initiating a new activity can cascade into a deeper connection.

• Growth is relational. When one partner changes themselves—especially in terms of empathy and constructive communication—the entire system can shift.

How The Maine Relationship Institute Supports You and Your Relationship Growth

At The Maine Relationship Institute (MRI) in Belfast, Maine, you can work one-on-one with MRI’s founder and therapist, Ben Borkan, to cultivate precisely this kind of transformative self-work. 

In couples counseling or individual therapy, the emphasis is on interpersonal awareness, identity, and adaptive processes. 

We offer complimentary and confidential consultations to learn if we are the right fit for you. You can also contact us at any time. 

We look forward to your growth.